Abusive men always think there is a reason behind a woman’s actions and her words. They rarely look at the goodness that is present in her. They frequently suspect her of doing things they are not guilty of and are easily irritated by her, especially when she is in a good mood. These men might feel they love these women but inside they do not “like” them. The most important thing in any relationship is to be respected and liked. Abusive men always want to compare her with other women and put her down. They thrive on making her feel inferior in everything. The objective is to tear her down to make her feel weak, insecure and co-dependent. It is a double-edged sword: a no win situation. The woman spends years trying to prove she’s not bad but it’s useless. No matter what she does, he doesn’t care so it is futile for her to try to prove she is worthwhile. Here are few typical characteristics which can make you understand whether your man is abusing or not. Read on.
Characteristics of Abusive Men
Control is the “overarching behavioral characteristic” of abusive men, achieved with criticism, verbal abuse, financial control, isolation, cruelty, etc. The need to control may deepen over time or escalate if a woman seeks independence.
Entitlement is the “overarching attitudinal characteristic” of abusive men, a belief in having special rights without responsibilities, justifying unreasonable expectations (e.g., family life must centre on his needs). He will feel the wronged party when his needs are not met and may justify violence as self-defence.
Selfishness & Self-centredness
An expectation of being the centre of attention all the time, having his needs anticipated. May not support or listen to others.
Contempt for woman as stupid, unworthy, a sex object or as a house keeper.
Seeing a woman and his children as property.
Confusing Love & Abuse
Explaining violence as an expression of his deep love.
A tactic of confusion, distortion and lies. May project image of himself as good, and portray the woman as crazy or abusive.
Contradictory Statements & Behaviours
Saying one thing and doing another, such as being publicly critical of men who abuse women.
Externalization of Responsibility
Shifting blame for his actions and their effects to others, especially the woman, or to external factors such as job stress.
Denial, Minimization, & Victim Blaming
Refusing to acknowledge abusive behaviour (e.g. she fell), not acknowledging the seriousness of his behaviour and its effects (e.g., it’s just a scratch), blaming the victim (e.g., she drove me to it).
Some men are abusive in relationship after relationship.It is a myth that It’s all right to hit a loved one for their own “good”.
Should the traits and characteristics listed above speak to your own personal situation, then it may be time for help.Remember when you reach out, you are really reaching in.
Very aptly put, Rituparnaa.
Some of the characteristics mentioned are so taken for granted that most of the women do not understand its happening to them and when they do, its always very late.